Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us

Parenting College Kids: Does our Internet-connectedness delay their growing up?

For some of us, our kids are adults as soon as they leave our house to live elsewhere. We expect them to be able to manage money and relationships with their peers--to say nothing of us. If they're commuting to college and using our home as a base, we may consider them to be almost grown up. And if they move back home after a stint away at college, we have great expectations that they are adults now--they can vote; they can legally order a drink--even if they may be temporarily dependent on us financially.

Is it as simple as that? The issues of when a child becomes an adult is at the heart of a debate in psychological circles and behind the emergence of the concept of "emerging adulthood" to describe the half dozen or so post-adolescent years. There's a lively discussion about it at this New York Times site.

The discussion includes the role we play in setting our children on the path to adulthood. The professional addressing it is Barbara Hofer, a professor of psychology at Middlebury College and co-author, with Abigail Sullivan Moore, of "The iConnected Parent: Staying Close to Your Kids in College (and Beyond) While Letting Them Grow Up."

Turns out, some of us are doing our darnedest to keep our young adult children 'kids'--that is, youngsters who are dependent on us for more than financial support. "As a college professor who studies adolescents and emerging adults," Hofer writes, "I am particularly concerned that college students are not getting the opportunities they need to grow into autonomous, healthily connected adults when parents are still hyper-involved in their lives." 

The Hofer-Moore  research suggests that college kids are not being encouraged to make their own choices and decisions--to, in fact, make mistakes and figure out how to recover from them. Instead, Hofer writes that she sees parents hovering and helicoptering. "Parents who are using technology (calls, Skype,texting, e-mail, Facebook, etc.) to micromanage lives from afar may be thwarting the timely passage to adulthood." How bad is it? Hofer says one in five students in her study report parents are editing and proofing their papers. Her advice: "College parents can help with the transition by serving as a sounding board rather than being directive, by steering their college-age kids to campus resources for help, by considering long-range goals rather than short-term ones and by giving their “kids” space to grow up."

Back in the day--when my children were college students--Paterfamilias and I couldn't have edited or proofed, even if we wanted to. I hate to date myself, but my children left for college armed with typewriters--tho they did end up with computers by the time they graduated. The Internet wasn't around, to say nothing of WiFi. Not even FedEx. So there's no way we could have been so hands-on or hovering.

The new technologies keep us in touch with our grown children in many wonderful ways--don't get me started on Skype as a wondrous way to visit a grown child or grandchild who lives far away--but we can also take too much advantage of it. Just because we have an iPad doesn't mean we have to use it to keep up-to-the-minute (literally) tabs on our emerging adults. Let them try and fail and pick themselves up and try again. That doesn't mean we have to turn into techno-phobes. They can still text us all about it. 

It may be that the fault, to update a Shakespearean line, is not in our iPads but in ourselves, that we are too tied to the idea of our children as dependents. 

Great Expectations: The payback--or lack of it--when we help our kids out

When their daughter and son-in-law bought a house, the parents helped out--with advice and counseling (both solicited) on the building plans and by babysitting their grandson, especially on moving day. They also helped paint rooms and gave the young couple furnishings from their own house that they no longer needed.

Their problem, as they expressed it in a letter to Carolyn Hax, is one of feeling left out. The daughter planned a house warming party and didn't invite the parents. When the mom complained, the daughter told her she was "over the top" to be upset.The mom, who signed her letter, "sad and disappointed" expressed her pain this way: "It seems to us that we were good enough to do all the legwork but not good enough to be invited to the celebration."

Ah yes, The left out feeling. No one likes it. Being slighted is one of the least feel-good feelings in the world. And to be excluded by our own children! But as Hax pointed out, "when adult children live near their parents, they're faced with a small but sensitive puzzle: how to lead social lives that are both independent and inclusive."

Hax's advice to the mom, who said this was not the first time she felt like she was the "hired help rather than part of the family," was to look at the situation in a more positive light.Instead of saying "We're the hired help," the mom could tell herself, Hax writes, "We're already a huge part of their lives. I'm glad they'll have this time with friends."

In other words, we are often hurt when we get over-invested in our children's lives--and especially so when we expect them to repay our many "investments" with a coin from another country. We may love our children and they may love us, but we aren't --and shouldn't try to be -- their social life.

Visiting Grown Children: The hidden gift in a grandchild's soccer game

No camera or cellphone at hand but the picture sits bright in my mind: There on a grassy field sit Paterfamilias and his 9-year-old Grand, their knees drawn up, their baseball-capped heads close together.

They have come to the little neighborhood park near Alpha Daughter's house so PF could show his Grand some of the basics about kicking a soccer ball. During our weekend visit to celebrate Alpha Daughter's birthday, we also had the pleasure of watching our Grand play soccer. She is new to the game and, not to put too fine a point on it, it showed.  PF, who's been playing and watching soccer all his life--a star on his college team, no less--saw her problem as a lack of technique. I, who know about soccer only by watching Uber Son and then his children play the game, saw things differently: She was clueless about the game--seemed to have no idea where to kick the ball once she stuck out her foot and got it on the ball.

So this moment in the park was found gold: a women's league game was underway--high school and college graduates who loved to play were running up and down the field trying to kick or head the ball between the goal posts. As Alpha Daughter, my grandpup and I set off for a walk, PF and Grand sat down to study the game. Head to head they sat, watching soccer. By the time we got back from our two-mile walk, PF had his favorite player picked out--#40--and was letting his little pupil know what #40 was doing that was outstanding, which passes were effective--and which were not and why.

We think our Grand came away from soccer in the park with at least a minimal understanding of what the game is about and what players--even players her size--are supposed to do when they are on the pitch. But more important than that was the bond between gramps and Grand--sharing knowledge, figuring things out together, sitting cap to cap and talking to each other.

Celebrating our daughter's birthday with her was wonderful--it meant a lot to us to be there for those few days.  But the real gift of the weekend was the soccer moment at the park.

Grandparenting: Baseball, soccer or lacrosse--are we ready to coach again?

When our kids were young and living in our homes, we either did or did not coach their sports teams; it was either a good or a bad experience--for them and for us. Now there our kids are, all grown up and thinking about coaching their own kids. Or possibly asking us to help out--or maybe even suggesting we volunteer to be the coach. 

This latter may be wishful thinking on the part of some of granddads--or grandmums--who fancied themselves athletes and great coaches in their younger days. But the idea of coaching a Grand's team is not just a return to our once-athletic selves. It's also a chance to spend quality time with a Grand and bond over an experience that lends itself to endless discussion and sharing of information. 

Should such an opportunity present itself, here's a 10-reasons list to review before rising to the challenge. The official title is "10 reasons dad may not want to coach a youth baseball team." But it applies to all sports and to moms and dads, grandparents and grand uncles as well.

In addition to the usual points about the difficulties of coaching your own child or grandchild--not showing favoritism; being a model of good sportsmanship--the list ends with this reason to keep your seat on the sidelines or in the stands: "One of the great joys of being a parent of a sporting child is watching that child play and grow within the game. As a coach, you might struggle with staying objective and keeping your emotions in check. Watching from the stands will give fathers the chance to enjoy their child’s play and not worry about the pressures of coaching."

For grandparents, there's the additional opportunity as observer to add our two-cents of advice to our grown kids about what we see happening on the field where their kids--our Grands--are playing. That, too, can be an endless source of discussion, conversation and bonding--a sharing of our love of the game and the wisdom we may have accrued about the subtleties of the sport.

We also serve who stand, cheer and keep an eye on the dynamics of the field of play.

 

 

Money Matters: A saving plan for the grand kids

We've been squirreling money away for our Grands. We started out by putting money into 529s, but the 2008 recession and the follow-on downturn in financial markets have discouraged us from plowing more money into that vehicle. I've opened savings accounts for each of them. The interest rate on those accounts is, like the rest of the investment firmament, discouraging. Those accounts are not even keeping up with inflation--but at least the money isn't melting away into the downs of the stock market.

The idea behind my and Paterfamilias' savings for our four Grands is simple: We want to make sure there's some money there for their education. Their parents will bear the bulk of that burden; maybe the Grands will have to take out loans to finance some of it. But we hope our little bit will take the edge off  the cost. Our parents did that for our kids--every birthday they sent a small check to put in an account for the kids. The wonder of compounded interest made those accounts a help when the college bills started rolling in. It's a role model we plan to emulate. But how to do it in today's difficult financial time?

PBS's new Web site, Next Avenue, which aims to cover financial (and other) issues of concern to those of us moving further along the age continuum, currently has a video with the heady title, "Saving for Your Grandkids." You can link to it here. It won't give you answers to or even ideas for the investment questions we're all wrestling with, but Ric Edelman offers very generalized caveats and options for those of us who want to put money away for our grandkids.

My take-aways from the video:

You can set up ways to save for their education or to save for their retirement. Few of us think about the latter. (How to do it, he doesn't say.)

Whatever plan you create for the grandkids you have, be sure you can replicate it for grandkids that might come along in the future. Fair is fair, even if someone's a latecomer.

 

Money Matters: Our college grad's expenses are our expenses--our worry too

Will the surveys never stop? Here's another one--this time from Ameriprise Financial--on how generous we baby boomers are toward our grown-up children--and how worried we are about their future financial security and ours.  

A December 2011 survey of baby boomers with $100,000 or more in investable assets reports that nine out of ten--93 percent--say they have provided some kind of support to their adult children. Paying for --or lending money for--college tuition comes in at 71 percent; help in buying a car, 53 percent. Parents are also helping with the upkeep of life's many expenses, like helping to pay for car and health insurance, rent and utilities.

Where does the money come from? 45 percent take it out of their spending money; 35 percent hit their regular savings accounts (about 8 percent tapped into retirement accounts) and nearly 15 percent take out loans to help their kids.

At the same time, more than one-third--35 percent--are worried that their children haven’t learned to manage money responsibly. More than that--nearly half--say their children don’t understand what it takes financially to prepare for retirement--even as they report that they are spending what they should save on their adult children.

As to those adult children at the receiving end, the survey found that more than half of them point their fingers back at their parents: they say they rarely or never talked to them about how they budget the family’s money.

Should we be surprised that kids coming out of college today are drowning in student debt? Or what the New York Times recently headlined as A Generation Hobbled by the Soaring Cost of College

 

Parenting and grandparenting: A reminder to lead our own lives--and not through theirs

Over at the educated grandparent, a recent post admonished those of us retiring from our careers and jobs to remember to keep up with--or develop--interests beyond immediate family. It's not healthy for our grown children or us to live our retiree years through our children or grandkids.

The post headed with this attention-grabber

 

You can read the whole post here. For me, the important take-away was this:

"Many people define themselves by their careers. What then? Some grandparents become completely involved with their grandchildren, who become the focus of their lives. ...We cannot depend on our children to fill our lives. That is our job."

Visiting Privileges: We're guests--not parents--when we overnight at a grown child's home.

The travel section of a newspaper isn't the most likely place to find a story on a major parental adjustment. Dominque Browning  managed to turn a trip to Boulder into a tale of her first journey, as a newly minted empty nester, to her youngest son's new nest and her recognition that she was no longer the homemaker-mom but a guest in her son's home.

Her son moved from the east coast to Boulder. Boulder's a fun town to visit--I won't go into those details--but Browning had some thoughtful insights on the experience of realizing her youngest son was a grown up with a home of his own--a home that was wasn't hers and that was, moreover, half way across the country.

Her first point: "There is a moment of truth all parents must face, usually on a sofa bed. Children eventually make their own lives, entirely separate from ours, and we participate in them only by invitation. It is a wise mother, indeed, who remembers the lessons that once came out of her mouth about how to be a good house guest."

About that sofa bed. It was another wake-up call. As Browning and her son settle in for her first night at his apartment, he let's her know where she'll be sleeping. She won't, he tells her, "be taking my bedroom. That's the master bedroom. I am the master. I don't want to sleep out here. This is the guest room."  That was, Browning writes, "the moment. That was when I realized the earthshaking reality of having traveled to see my child, only to become a guest in his home. He was not my child, but my host, a grown-up. I could feel the tectonic plates of power shifting and grinding between us. A volcano of protest sputtered out, and I agreed that the living room, er, guest room, was the perfect place for me."

It is a shocker of a moment. I remember the first year when uber son and his family booked and paid for the vacation condo and, when we arrived, instead of commandeering the master bedroom--as we did lo those many years when we booked and paid for the condo--we were relegated to an upstairs bedroom that one of our grandchildren vacated to accommodate us. Not that we had any complaint. (Or that they hadn't graciously offered to move out for the three nights we would be there. They did offer. We declined.] It was breathtaking recognition that the tectonic-plate had shifted--we were no longer the masters in charge with all the rights and privileges that come with that master's degree.

Browning's blog follows up her New York Times travel piece, sharing with her readers the bits and pieces from her article that were left on the cutting room floor. Here's one item that struck home and that underlies my Note to Self about good housekeeping tips. Browning, it would appear, managed to find subtle ways to share such tips with her son, Theo: 

"Driving my rental car to Target for supplies, Theo discussed the challenges of living on his own. “I think the tub leaks when I shower.” We bought shower curtains. “Isn’t it hard to pour boiling water from the pot to a teacup without spilling most of it?” We bought a kettle. “I should have taken the vacuum cleaner you offered me from home.” We bought a broom."

 

 

Emerging Adults: Calling a halt to the helicopter parenting

When I was growing up, some of my friends had over-protective parents--parents who marched over to school if a low grade or negative report was sent about their child, parents who labored with their children over the homework or had their kids call home every hour or so if they went out with friends for the evening--and this was well before cell phones. With the haze of hindsight, I saw the hovering come to an end by the time my friends went off to college.

Today we call it helicopter parenting and many colleges report that it doesn't stop when the kids leave home and become college students. Now it's not just phone calls; it's also texting and Facebook and social media check ups. And in-person interference. Parents have even been spotted crashing Freshman meet-ups.

Studies from academia suggest the perils our children face when we hover, helicopter or otherwise over-protect. They may end up unable to make decisions for themselves, to accept responsibility for their lives, to adjust to the demands of the workplace.

A list of the 10 detrimental effects from helicopter parenting--along with notations of the academic studies--are in this blog. Read it and hope you don't see yourself there.

 

Misusing Social Media: Rules of etiquette with grandkids and grownkids

Will we ever get it right? The do's and do not's for interacting with our grandkids' and grownkids' Facebook pages and Twitter streams are tricky enough. But, turns out there is an etiquette to be followed with email. Susan Adcox, on her grandparenting blog, had a post on a letter a grandchild wrote to Miss Manners about her grandmother's barrage of forwarded emails--you know, those mass emails telling you not to eat banana peels or warning you of a dangerous computer-destroying virus.

In her letter to Miss Manners, the grandchild (a college student) wrote after her grandmother complained about her granddaughter's lack of response to the forwarded emails--one of which contained a nasty virus link that the grandmother clicked on. The granddaughter had to help her grandparent clean up her computer and the result was a cooling in the relationship. As the granddaughter put it, "I finally realized I didn’t have time to sit and reply to ridiculous forwarded e-mails when I have other priorities, such as keeping my GPA up. I saw my grandmother a few weeks ago, and I could tell she wanted to make a rude comment about my not responding to her e-mails. I still think it’s absolutely ridiculous to respond to a forwarded e-mail."

MIss Manners, in her usual droll manner, started out with this trenchant observation: "Before you make Miss Manners responsible for your GPA, allow her to suggest a less time-consuming way of handling the situation. That would be to deal with the underlying problem, rather than the surface one." She pointed out that the underlying issue was probably more about the lack of communication than the response to the mass emails and that the granddaughter might cure the problem by shooting her grandmother an occasional email, as in "I'm busy studying for chemistry exam. Thinking of you and hoping your garden is flourishing," or something like that. I would add to that: ditto to the grandparent. Mass forwarded emails are not a substitute for bona fide communication.

Susan Adcox goes a step further and offers grandparents two guidelines for email behavior, which apply whether it's in interaction with a grandchild, grown child or anyone else: "First, don't send forwards to people who never send you forwards. They are obviously not interested in receiving such information. Second, don't click on a link in any email that looks the slightest bit suspicious, even if it comes from a friend or relative.

"Being tech-savvy means constantly adding to one's skill and sophistication, but it's worth it to have a solid electronic relationship with grandchildren. Besides, it's good for our brains. Recent studies show that using the Internet well requires  decision-making and complex reasoning skills--the kind of skills that warn us not to click on a link in a spammy email."

Money Matters: Another way to look at lending money to adult children

Scratch a financial adviser and you get this answer: If you can afford it and you're going to lend money to your adult child, put it in writing. Sign a contract that lets your child know what the repayment schedule is, when you expect to get your money back. That makes it more of an arms length operation.

While I was doing some research on the topic for USA Today's The Best Years, I came across a financial planner whose advice took a different tack--one that resonated with me. Personally, I could never see myself asking one of my children to sign an IOU. It just doesn't fit or sit right with me.

If you can afford to make the loan, what did Marty Kurtz, have to say? "I'm not real crazy about lending kids money. It's okay for smaller amounts. But why would you loan for bigger amounts? It puts you in the position of being a debt collector and that’s going to impact your relationship." As Kurtz sees it, big loans are what banks are for. If credit ratings are a problem, you could go to the bank with your child and co-sign the loan. Yes, you're on the hook if he or she defaults. But as Kurtz points out, if you made the loan yourself and your child failed to pay you back, you would be in the same position. At least with a bank, it can put the repayment screws to your kid.

There is the option of making a gift of the money. If you want to "teach the virtue of diligence," Kurtz says, you can make it a gift with strings. That, Kurtz says, is kind of like a bribe, but it can be very effective.

 

Grandparenting: Getting some respect for being silly

I've never thought of myself as a blithe spirit--a wish-I-were-a-kid-again kinda gal. There doesn't seem to be a little kid inside me pleading to get out. Never was. So imagine my surprise to find myself in my son and daughter-in-law's basement playing the part of a pizza-eating monster to my four-year-old Grand's pizza pie on the run. (script by 4-year-old; sound effects by 9-year old sister). Not only did I have to seek to find the gobble-able pizza pie, but I was playing the role in front of an audience. Well, okay, it was just uber son and Paterfamilias. But still.

Was it fun? Sort of. Did it win me brownie points with my Grands? Maybe. DId it win me major credit with uber son? Absolutely.

The link I posted a few weeks ago on 10 ways to be a fabulous grandparent, mentioned not being afraid to be silly. But here's what I'm thinking: When we get "silly" with our grand kids, they don't think that much of it--it's business as usual: they're silly with each other and their playmates and what are we but a big, overgrown playmate?

But to our grown children, we're someone willing, able and clearly happy to enjoy their children and take pleasure not just in their accomplishments but in the pure delight of being with them at their level. 

When I think of it that way, I don't feel so silly.

Emerging Adults: Putting the burden of student loans in perspective

A few days ago I posted a blog on the heavy burden our college students carry in loans. It's hard for me to get my mind around $1 trillion--the amount of outstanding student-loan debt. I found these charts on NPR's Planet Money. They give some perspective on the bubble-like growth of debt college grads are currently saddled with.

1. Americans now owe more on student loans than they owe on their credit cards.

Source: Federal Reserve Bank of New York

Credit: Lam Thuy Vo / NPR

 

2. The amount of student debt being taken on every year has been rising rapidly for years now.

Source: College Board

Credit: Lam Thuy Vo / NPR

 

 

Parenting Grown Children: When a daughter and family plan to move far away

A friend is in a state of high distress. Her 39-year-old daughter--the mother of 6-year-old twins--is talking about moving half way across the country in another year or two. The daughter's husband--a man who started his military career at a young age--will be retiring from the army with a pension. The young family is looking to the future. They want to live in a place where the cost of living is lower and where there is easy access to the great outdoors. 

"They won't have all the free babysitting they get here," says my friend, who provides 99 percent of that babysitting. They also won't be leaving Sunday dinner at my friend's house laden with enough "leftovers" to last a week. And the daughter and husband won't have those get-away weekends when the Grammy and Gramps take the boys and entertain them for three days at their house.

When my friend retired this winter, she joined a health club--not necessarily the one she liked better but the one that came with an indoor pool where small children were allowed to be guests. She's already had the boys over for swims four or five times.

It is hard for her to fathom why her daughter would voluntarily move away from all this loving support. It threatens her peace of mind. She is very attached to the twins--after all, she's helped nurture them since they were born.

So what's a mother or father to do? We don't really have a say in what our children decide to do with their lives--beyond advice, if we're asked and occasionally, advice even if we're not asked.

But the bottom line is that we won't be around forever. Maybe that's part of what is so disturbing about the threat to move away: when our grown children make plans for the future, we are neither central to that future nor a major factor in it. Plans are made to carry on without us. Ultimately, isn't that how it should be?

Once again, it is matter of our "letting go." It comes in various forms at different stages of parenting. It never gets easier.

Emerging Adults: Their burdens are bigger than ours were at their age

A little--perhaps a lot--of sympathy may be in order here. Our kids--the young adults coming out of college and graduate school--are drowning in debt and a lot of other woes that ripple out from that. "It's a very different world than 20 yrs ago" says Nancy Molitor, a clinical psychologist who practices in the Chicago area. "Parents in their 50s and 60s don’t have any idea of the stress their children are under."

There's some $1 trillion outstanding student debt floating around out there. Molitor, who's also Public Education Coordinator for the American Psychological Association, saw the face of that debt up close and personally when she was a speaker at a seminar for graduate students in psychology. She asked the 150 students attending the seminar for a show of hands: How many of them had debt from college and graduate school? All hands went up. She then broke it down: How many had debt of $50,000 or less. Roughly 1/3 raised their hands. How many had debt of $100,000 or less? Another 1/3 raised their hands. When she upped it to $150,000, another 1/3 put up their hands. When she asked about debt above $150,000, ten hands shot up.

That's a lot of money to owe when you're getting out of graduate school and can't find a job--or can't find one that pays enough to start whittling down that debt. But psychology isn't the only field where young people are under stress. In the aftermath of the Great Recession, opportunities for college and graduate school graduates have tightened and are almost at a point of diminishing return. It is no wonder, Molitor says, that a lot of the young adults she sees feel "bamboozled." And a lot of them, she adds, turn their anger on their parents--for sheltering them from the harsh realities, for leading them to believe that doing well in college would mean a good job, a worthwhile career, a house and a life style similar to their parents. "They feel let down, she says.

It's also one of the reasons they're delaying marriage and are unwilling to start their own families. "These young adults feel like the debt is saddling them," Molitor reports. "It affects every decision they make. When you have debt you can’t take risks."

It's a point Daniel Burrus, futurist and author of Flash Foresight, riffs on as well. As he sees it, kids aren't being guided properly. They're going to college and majoring in things, like philosophy, that will never lead to a job. His solution: better guidance counseling, better education about school debt versus level of diploma versus job opportunity.

So where do we parents come into this? Certainly, we can help with the guidance and whether our particular children need to give up philosophy and concentrate on accounting or whether they--make that we--can afford to have them study disciplines that will enhance their critical thinking skills but not  necessarily outfit them for a job in today's market.

Is there a parallel between the present crisis Burrrus and Molitor have observed, and a decade ago when the post 9/11 economy threaten to tank? George Bush famously offered his solution to the problem: Go shopping. Would that the solution to today's economic woes and job collapse were as simple as that. But maybe the fix is a variation on that theme: If we and our 401k plans can help our college and grad students reduce that debt, go pay it.

 

 

Grandparenting: A how-to list on creating a loving bond with the grandkids

Came across a post on a parenting blog that listed 10 ways to be a fabulous grandparent. Some of it is the usual--have fun with and don't be afraid to be silly around the grandkids. But two key in on issues that are far from silly and can effect our relationship not only with the grandkids but their parents:

 Take the lead: It's your job to stay in touch with your grandchild or grandchildren. If you expect them to do it, you'll be disappointed and frustrated. "It's age-appropriate for kids to be thoughtless about staying in touch. If you want the relationship, you have to be willing to do the work," says New York therapist Sharon O'Neill. Remember birthdays, but celebrate other special occasions as well.... Ask if you can bring artwork home to put on the fridge. Attend sports games, plays, and dance performances. Cheer loudly, bring flowers, and take everyone out for ice cream afterward. "

 Beware grandparent rivalry: Avoid the trap of keeping up with Grandpa Joe and Grandma Josie – this will only lead to hard feelings....A close relationship with one set of grandparents doesn't detract from your importance – unless you let it.

Money Matters: The stats on how we help our kids buy a house

Yes. It's yet another survey on how generous our generation is to our children. This one comes from Better Homes and Gardens Real Estate and keys in on the ways in which we help our children buy a home.

According to its December survey, nearly one in five self-identified baby boomer couples had assisted at least one adult child in a home purchase. This help came in the form of down payment assistance, outright purchasing or mortgage co-signing.

How do we do it? The survey found that many of us are digging into our savings or we're dipping into emergency funds or retirement funds in order to come up with the average $10,000 to $30,000 down payment for an American home.

Do we expect to be repaid? The survey doesn't say. For some of us, it's repayment enough to see our children living in a nice, solid home that someday--should the housing downturn ever turn around--will appreciate and bring them a modicum of good fortune. If they eventually flip the house and make a killing (those days may never return but....), they might share the pot of wealth with the ones who made it possible.

Few of us can count on that one. 

Grandparenting: When rivalry with the other grandfolks morphs into resentment

When their daughter-in-law became desperately ill--sick enough to be in the hospital for a week--Alice and Edward went into crisis mode: picking up and delivering the two small grandchildren to day care and bringing them home at the end of the day; feeding them; playing with them and putting them to bed. Their son--the dad--was around but he was also working and shuttling back and forth to see his wife and her doctors. It was a difficult time for everyone, especially since Alice and Edward work full time.

"This is what we do," Alice says, when a very tired Alice and I are sitting and having coffee. I agree. We are programmed to put our lives on hold and help out when we're needed--at least we are at this stage of our lives.

Or are we? The daughter-in-law's parents, who had lived many years abroad, had moved back last year to the city where their daughter was living. The father, who was with an international institution, was working full time but not the mother. Aside from visits to their daughter in the hospital, they were no where to be seen at the child-helping end of the equation. What had Alice really ticked off, though, was that her DIL's mother--the co-grandmother--left town in the midst of the crisis to visit another daughter so that the other daughter could take some time off. "If it were me," Alice says, "I would have called the other daughter and said, 'Your sister is seriously ill. I know you'll understand that I need to be here to help out. You'll have to find someone else to cover for you.'"

When the DIL's parents first moved back to this country, Alice was worried that she and Edward would seem dull and oh-so-ordinary--they hadn't lived in Indonesia or Japan; they hadn't entertained high level diplomats and important business leaders. If she felt any rivalry with her co-grandparents, that feeling had now morphed into resentment--that they weren't there to take on some of the burden rippling out from their daughter's illness, especially when it came to bringing aid and comfort to two toddlers.

Who knows why others don't feel compelled to drop everything and rush to the rescue of an ailing child and his or her family. Maybe they were waiting to be asked.  Not everyone has the same code,feels the same closeness or believes they would be welcome and needed. 

As for Alice and Edward, they have gotten their reward: Once the daughter-in-law was at home and recovering, their son took them aside, thanked them for being there and told them they were "really special." That says it all, doesn't it?

 

Parenting Grown Children: The curtain comes down when a family visit ends.

They packed up the van and loaded my three Grands in the back. Six hours later, Uber son, wife and Grands arrived at the family manse for a weekend visit. Within minutes of their arrival, Paterfamilias and I began an immersion into their lives--in the ins and outs of who likes what for a snack and how things are going at school and what's happening with the indoor soccer team. It's exhilarating. Not just in a deja vu kind of way but in a real fascination with how the grown child's career is expanding and how the Grands are growing up--what their concerns are, what their many strengths and occasional weaknesses are. One by one, they plop themselves down at the piano and play. We can hear a growing sense of rhythm and musicianship by the two who are taking piano lessons. They take the Razor scooter parked in our carport out for a spin and we watch how adventurous they are--or are not--in scooting down our steep driveway and along our dead-end street. Soccer balls are kicked around. Basketballs heaved at a rickety hoop at the end of the street. The van disgorges a tricycle for the not-quite-four year old and we get to marvel at her new accomplishment.

All this is a long way of saying that when our grown children arrive at our house with our Grands and they stay for a few days, we are suddenly and deeply absorbed by and into their world. We sop up all the small talk about what they're learning in science class and how the math is going; the challenges of a co-ed versus all-girls soccer team; how limits are set for screen time and games on the iPad. By Sunday, we're rolling along with the plans for upcoming birthdays and summer vacation in Vermont.

And then the van is repacked, kids and tricycle loaded. Their world backs down the driveway and trundles down the road. When grown children and their families live far away, there's a yo-yo like relationship with their lives. So much intimacy. And then none. 

 

Grandparenting: 10 reasons we can be terrible sitters

Reader alert: This could get ugly.The view from the trenches of our grown children is not always a pretty one. There's a blog out there called findababysitter.org that suggests that some of us should not be called on to babysit. I agree. Not all of us enjoy it--especially if it lasts more than an hour or two. And evidently, the feeling is mutual: Not all parents enjoy having their parents do it, even if the price seems right.

You can go to the site to read all 10 reasons. Some of them are cheap shots. See reason 2: "Concessions – For a moment’s peace, and the chance to perhaps recharge their pacemaker batteries, your folks are apt to give anything to your child."

Some are issues we who have grandchildren struggle with all the time. "Discipline – For better or worse, in a lot of ways our ideas about parenting differ from our parents. Your child’s grandparents may not be 100% on board with your own ideas about discipline, and how to raise your child."

But one really hits home. It's #8 on the list, and it gives one pause: "Privacy – Let’s be honest, some parents would just as soon not have their own parents spending any time in their homes unattended. For whatever reasons – and we don’t pry or judge here – you would prefer to have the neighbor’s daughter babysit instead. At least she just raids the fridge."

ooooph. Makes me want to re-read my Notes to Self and see the wisdom in keeping good housekeeping hints to ones self.

Emerging Adults: Navigating the financial minefield of earning a paycheck

They're launched. They've finished college and are ready to set out into the world. We've brought them up to be independent, thoughtful individuals, of course. But they still may be babes in the woods when it comes to making the day-today financial decisions they face in their first few post-college years. Sometimes it helps to have words of advice come from a third party--as opposed to the doting parents themselves.

There's a book out there that covers some of the issues: Generation Earn: The Young Professional's Guide to Spending, Investing, and Giving Back by Kimberly Palmer. Here are five paraphrased tips on what young adults should do as their paychecks start flowing in:

1. Build your credit history slowly and steadily by opening up accounts in your own name and paying them off on time.

2. Instead of using the first paycheck to make upgrade the lifestyle--new 60-inch TV, new sofa--spread out purchases over time and start with necessities, like a bed.

3. Start saving at least one-quarterof income for future goals, including retirement. The first priority is to establish an emergency savings accoung with at least three months' worth of expenses . If the employer offers any type of 401k matching program, take advantage of it—passing it up is like saying no to a pay increase. Then open an after-tax savings account for other goals, from traveling to homeownership.

4. Even in this economy, employers expect some haggling over salary and benefits. A simple request after expressing enthusiasm and appreciation for the job offer can lead to hundreds of thousands of dollars more in lifetime earnings or better benefits.

5. There's no avoiding the fact that being an adult comes with some secretarial duties. Suddenly, there are pay stubs, health insurance forms, tax documents, and credit card statements to keep organized. Take advantage of modern technology by going paperless whenever possible. Online accounts are easier to manage; websites such as shoeboxed.com keep receipts organized online, which is especially helpful at tax time. Mint.com makes it easy to track spending and establish a budget.

Parenting Grown Children: Their jobs are high-wire acts that cause us angst as well.

"I worry all the time about their losing their jobs," a friend writes about her two sons and their wives, all somewhere in their late 30s and early 40s. "They are doing well but the fields they are in could implode any minute."

The problem: They need two incomes to maintain their lifestyle, and the pressures on them in the modern-day workforce are immense. One daughter-in-law's job expects her to be available 24/7--or night and day as we used to say.  "She's on a 24-hour cycle--emails and text messages all day and night," my friend continues. "On the weekend. if she doesn't answer, she could be fired. If she does, she ruins her weekend." Either way, it puts pressure on the marriage, on child rearing and on my friend's relationship with her DIL.

Although she wishes there were a way to ease the stress for her grown children, all the understanding in the world doesn't ease the pain when she sees how tense her son's relationship with his wife has become.

Neither my friend nor I remember this kind of pressure when we were at the heights of our careers. Certainly, texting and 24-hour communication wasn't as readily available. Maybe there would be sniping in the marriage anyway. But the complications of 24/7 jobs seem to make things worse. For them--and by extension--for us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grandparenting: Expert advice for the grannie as nannie

 Grandparenting isn't all fun and games, especially when we do more than pop by for an hour's visit. Those of us who help out our grown children with babysitting--from the occasional coverage so the parents can go out for the evening to a regular granny-as-nanny stint--may find our grands acting in less-than-adorable ways.

There's a post on grannynannies.net that details "10 Common Reasons Grandparents Get Mad at Grandkids." It won't tell your how to deal with the ugliness of tantrums, the maddening unwillingness to go to bed or the frustrating habit of overindulging in video games, but it will bring comfort in knowing you are not alone, that some misbehaviors are universal. The 10 common reasons are not appalling-equal, but even the lesser of them can sure can tick off some grandparents. Number one in that category is probably the failure to say thank you for gifts or better yet, send a thank you note. Maybe it's a generational thing, but based on advice columns in the newspapers, it's one that gets a lot of granny and grampy goats.

 

Emerging Adults: The guest room, the bedroom and your daughter's boyfriend

Times have changed; social mores too. But there still remains this issue: Your grown child comes home for the holidays (or just for a weekend visit) with a friend--as in boyfriend or girlfriend. They are a couple. At least they are in their eyes. Do you let them pile into your child's old bedroom together or do you provide separate sleeping quarters?

For parents of college-age children it may be a bigger issue than for those with older, single children. But not necessarily. I've read some "Ask Amy" letters where grandparents don't want their grandchildren "shacking up" with their lovers under their roof--even when the grandchild in question is in her 30s.  That said, the younger the child, the trickier the issue--even though we all assume that in this day and age, our adult children are sleeping with someone they consider a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's mainly a question of what goes on under your roof and what you find morally objectionable.

A mother posed the bedroom question to Social Q's. Her daughter, a freshman in college, was coming home for a visit with her first boyfriend. The home did not have a guest room--or any spare room. "I'm thrilled she wants to visit (and bring him)," the single mother writes, "but I don't know what the sleeping arrangements should be. Should I put him on the [living room] couch, or look the other way and let him stay with her?"

When my children were that age, I had the luxury of a guest room. I suggested luggage and other accouterments be dumped in that room, closed my door and paid no attention to final sleeping arrangements. Nor did I offer any suggestions as to my preferences. But this mother had a space problem. And Philip Galanes, who writes the Social Q's column for the New York Times, came up with his usual brilliant answer. I offer it to those who are struggling with this age-old problem:

"Once the baby birds have flown the coop, there are only two ways to lure them back: by making their visits congenial or by canceling their MasterCards. Opt for the former, Mother Dear.

"It doesn’t sound as if you have a moral objection to lodging the lovebirds together. If you do, simply disregard the balance of this answer and make up the living room sofa. Eighteen-year-old backs can handle much worse.

"But if it’s propriety you’re concerned about (or parental duty), you’ll fare better by phoning your daughter than gnashing your teeth with me. Say: “Honey, I’m trying to work out where Tom should sleep. What would make you most comfortable?”

 

Emerging Adults: They get by with a little help from us

Yet another confirmation of what many of us know: We are the generation that offers our grown children financial help. Pew Research Center's latest poll finds that one in 10 American adults receive money or financial assistance from their parents or other family members. The bulk of those receiving help are emerging adults--men and women in the 18 to 24 year old range. It falls off from there but doesn't stop--some of us are still getting help from our parents. 

I'll let this Pew Research Center chart, courtesy of the New York Times, say it all:

Based on telephone interviews conducted Dec. 6 to 19, 2011, with a nationally representative sample of 2,048 adults ages 18 and older.